Little bodies, big feelings: Toddler emotions on the road

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Before we even left home, Luca was struggling. He hated seeing furniture moved out of place, being unable to access the toys already packed into boxes, and having our focus as parents so fully diverted to the task of moving out. We tried to ease his transition by preserving some space exactly as normal--namely, his bedroom. My mom came and picked him up early on moving day so that he wouldn’t see his room dismantled and his home emptied by the movers.

[And speaking of emotions, I felt more than a little guilt at selling the only home he has ever known…]

Once we arrived in Oregon, he was even more confused. We spent the first few days in a lovely little Airbnb in the Hawthorne neighborhood of Portland, which he called “the cottage.” He definitely thought it was our new home. He bonded so deeply to that place that he is still referencing it a month later. Meanwhile, the housesit where we’re living now is called “the lodge.” It didn’t feel quite right to call it “our house,” and it was too cumbersome to say “[the owners’] house.” But Luca likes labels. So somehow we settled on THE LODGE for our current abode, and I’m sure we’ll come up with other names for future dwellings so that he can sort them in his mind.

He likes it here (particularly the gas fireplace that he can turn on himself each morning, “making a fire to warm us up”). But periodically he tells us he wants to go home, and we know exactly where he means. At first I was so gutted to hear this that I tried to ignore it or change the subject. But then I realized I was doing him a disservice. So I started saying that sometimes I miss home and feel like going there too. He seemed to appreciate the validation.

But he is still a little confused. In mid-September, David’s uncle and family came to visit for the weekend from Bend, Oregon. As he was exploring their rental house, Luca asked, “Where is my room?”

More recently, my sister and brother-in-law came to stay with us for a week with their 9 month-old baby. I wondered how he would react to seeing his Philly people in Oregon. He was basically ecstatic--and full of affection for them all that lasted their whole visit. I had never seen him so eager to grasp their hands, cuddle in next to them on the couch, kiss and hug his cousin, or tell them he loved them. It was extremely sweet...but made me a bit worried that he has been lonely.

I started thinking about the times I’ve felt lonely so far and realized that the intensity of those emotions must be so much stronger for him. I have the benefit of a lifetime of experience with travel to know that the people I love will still be there when I return. Luca has none of that. One night early in their visit, I heard him solemnly tell my sister, “I’m living someplace different now.” He sounded so old and wise about it that it made my stomach drop.

But he is amazingly resilient. And (as much as it smacks my heart around to think that anything we are doing could cause him pain), I hope that this experience will make him even moreso.

Ideas for Easing Toddler Feelings of Displacement*

  • My sister made a special sign that reads “Welcome to Luca’s Room.” He added some shiny stars and was very excited about hanging it up. We’ll take it with us each place we go and hang it on the door to help him feel a sense of his own place in each new locale.  

  • A few touchstone toys have really helped--especially his old familiar lovies for sleeping. Though it’s kind of a pain to lug around, I think sleeping in the same “bed” (the Baby Bjorn travel crib) everywhere we go is really valuable for him too. We worried at two and a half that he had grown too big for it, but he has slept like a champ so far. [Practical tip--you can fit a Baby Bjorn travel crib into an extra large rolling suitcase with room to spare. This becomes extremely important when you are paying full fare for your toddler and need him to be able to check a full-size (50 lb, 23 kilo) bag of his own, rather than using the travel crib as a checked item and paying for excess weight in your other bags.]

  • And speaking of sleep, we’ve made a change while traveling that we would NEVER have done at home after all our careful weeks and months of sleep training. Here in Oregon, we are all (gasp) sleeping in the same room. It is extremely comforting to Luca, and in our current housesit the only other option was to put him on a different floor from us. I don’t know if this arrangement will continue to make sense, but right now it is resulting in (95%) great sleep for all, and that feels like a win.

  • Talking about the sad feelings and showing him how we cope has also helped. He has really enjoyed writing postcards and letters and of course Facetime-ing with loved ones back home.

  • Another idea from my sister is to make a book together of our travels--starring Luca as the main character--that begins at home in Philadelphia and then continues in each new place we visit. I think this could be a fun and meaningful project for the two of us. I also think it will help him remember where we have been, since his long-term memory is still developing!


*I realized while writing this how extremely lucky we are to be dealing with toddler feelings of displacement because of a privileged choice we made to travel together as a family. Google “toddler displacement,” and you will find a lot of toddlers whose families never got to choose, who are at this moment living in completely unfamiliar environments without their parents or any sense of security. WE MUST END FAMILY SEPARATION.